Something to make you feel a bit better…

August 15, 2012 By 5 Comments

A fellow betrayed spouse shared this with me and I thought it hit the nail on the head, so I wanted to share it with all of you:

After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.
What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

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More details please!

February 28, 2012 By 1 Comment

Thinking back, when I found out about the affair, one of the first things I did was google it. I came up with some sites about affairs and cheating, but almost nothing about an affair where the other woman had become pregnant.

So I think I should go into a bit more detail about the disclosure of the affair and the other child, since at that time I wished there was more information available to me.

Here goes…My husband called me one afternoon while I was on my way home from work. The first thing he said was “I need to tell you something.”  If you’ve ever had that feeling of dread, and a premonition that something bad was going to happen, that’s exactly how I felt. I responded with, “What did you do?” And that’s when he told me he had slept with someone else and that she was pregnant.

It felt like I had been punched in the stomach and couldn’t breathe. I immediately started screaming at him into the phone.  I was crying and hysterical.  All he did was listen. He was on his way home too, as he had expected that this was not going to be a short conversation. 

We met at home and the fight (physical and verbal) lasted that afternoon, night and continued on for the week. I guess it wasnt really a fight, it was more or less just me doing the yelling and him taking it.  I kicked him out that very night, but there were still lots of phone calls, texts and emails.  He went to stay with his parents.

His story was that he had made a big mistake, and he had tried to end it. However, every time he tried to end it, she threatened to “tell your wife” and at one point threatened suicide. I’d like to point out here, as I mentioned in my earlier post “My take on the Other Woman,” that this is a good example of an “other woman”.  She’s so desperate to keep a man, that for some reason she feels that blackmail is the solid foundation upon which all good relationships are made.  Crazy? Most likely.

Oh,  I forgot to mention, when I met my husband in our driveway, she was there too! What balls! Apparently the hubby had told her just before, that he was going to tell me everything, and she felt the need to be there for this.  

Looking back, Warren and I both agree that the only reason she felt the need to be there was because, although, the voices in her head were telling her she was in a ‘real committed relationship’ and that he would never leave her, some small part of her probably didn’t feel as confident as those voices (probably the part that told her HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED), and she most likely thought that if she was present, he would just look at her, and he’d hear the birds chirping and envision the two of them frolicking away with the wind in their hair.

As soon as I saw her I told her in very graphic detail what she could do with herself. For awhile she refused to leave, but finally gave in and left.  However, right after she drove away she called my husband (he didn’t answer) and continued to call him right up until the late night hours, until he finally shut off his phone.

So as the story goes, the hubby spent about a week at his parents, only coming home to change clothes, etc. And in the meantime continued to try to win me back in every way he thought possible. After a couple of weeks he said he was moving back into the guest room, since this was his house too, and he paid for ½ the mortgage. Obviously, this was also his way to also get closer to me and continue to try to beg for forgiveness.

Between the affair and the “other child”, the ‘other child’ was probably a bit more of a struggle to deal with. Initially I wanted nothing to do with the child. He was only a reminder of the pain my husband caused. We knew she had gotten pregnant intentionally to try to maintain the relationship because it had gotten to the point where he was doing everything he could to end the affair. Once again, perfect example of the ‘other woman.’  Desperate? Yes. A bit crazy? Most likely. 

But once we started counselling, I learned how to deal with both the affair and the other child. We dealt first with the affair, and once we were in a better place with each other, accepting the other child into our lives became much easier.

Moral of the story…stay away from crazies.

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My take on the “Other Woman”

February 27, 2012 By 1 Comment

 

 

 

 

I recently came across this posted on www.affairhealing.com:

“The other woman is often forgotten. Nobody has empathy for you, you are labeled a homewrecker, Jezebel, selfish b***h, whore, slut, etc. You lose friends, your self worth, & dignity. You always feel powerless because you have no say so in the end.”

This is a comment made from an “Other Woman.” I gotta say, no s**t. Why anyone would want to be an “other woman” is beyond me. It’s basically rating yourself a second class citizen, in my opinion. You’re putting yourself second to someone else (ie. The wife), and your only given time when it’s available to you. The sad part of this is that it seems a lot of women put themselves in this position. My biggest example is the TV show; The Bachelor. Aside from the ones that are only there to get their 15 minutes of fame, the ones that are there to actually compete for a man are well…lets just say it, a little bit sad.

The first thing you have to wonder is what is wrong with all these women that they have to find love on a TV show? The second thing you have to wonder about is, would these women actually like this guy if they just saw him on the street somewhere? Or is this sorta like a ‘mob-mentality’ thing, where if one woman wants him, everyone else has to do it to. I mean, you’re stuck in a house for several weeks with a bunch of straight women and only 1 straight man. Its been awhile since I’ve opened a text book but didn’t Charles Darwin say something about how our main goal in life is to find a partner and mate? The Bachelor is a pretty good example of this.

I’ve gotten off topic now. Going back to the ‘other woman’ stuff…. My point is you would have to be pretty desperate to become an ‘other woman,’ as was the case in my husband’s situation. He had told me that even when he tried to end it with her, there were lots of threats to ‘tell your wife’ or just threats of suicide.

We all have our insecurities, but to put yourself in the position of the ‘other woman’ says a lot about how little you think of yourself as a person. I’m probably going to get a lot of hate mail from all the ‘other women’ out there, but really, if you’re proud of it, why is it usually a secret?

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