Theres a new forum in town for betrayed spouses. It was created by http://ifhappyeverafterdidexist.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/i-have-an-exciting-announcement/ and you can find the forum at http://afterthebetrayal.com/ There is even an section for betrayed spouses dealing with an OC.
I said to my hubby the other day; “I’m not so much angry anymore, I’m more sad that the OC exists.” I don’t hate the OC, I just hate what the OC represents.
Over the last few years, I’ve met some women in my situation that have fully accepted the OC as their own. They are able to look past everything and care for and love this child like they do with their own children. I am baffled by it. My husband and I do our best not to treat the OC differently from the other children when he is around. But in my eyes, he’s still is and forever will be a reminder of my husbands infidelity.
Let me paint a picture…I was always and still am a perfectionist and a control freak. I had pictured my life turning out a very specific way, and when it didn’t follow the path I wanted it to follow, it just threw my world upside down and for a long time I wasn’t sure how to function. Even now, I still struggle with the ‘imperfections” in my life. I am completely aware that I bare the weight of these ‘imperfections” on my own shoulders, when in fact they aren’t my failures, but my husbands. But for some reason I have a really difficult time separating it from me.
When other people find out about the affair and the OC, I am the one that feels embarrassed and ashamed. When we go out in public with the OC, I am the one that is worried someone who doesn’t know might see us.
My husband was completely understanding when he heard all of this, and said he thought I had already gone above and beyond what he would have expected when it came to the OC. And just by accepting the OC into my life was more than he could have asked for.
I like to think of this as just another bump on the journey towards healing and forgiveness. I think it’s a good thing that the anger has dissipated and now the ‘mourning’ period is here. I am mourning the life I used to have and used to dream of. And now hopefully all that’s left to come is acceptance of what is here now and complete forgiveness.
We see the OC at least 3-4 times a week. He lives less than 25 min away, and his daycare is actually about 5 min from our house. When he’s here everything is fine, the kids play, my husband is happy to spend time with him and everything is good.
But on the days when he is not here, I find I really value that time with my kids and husband even more. I enjoy the time when the OC is here as well, but I think his absence makes me really appreciate what is rightfully mine even more. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes the OC being here just feels like having a houseguest that stays for awhile and then keeps coming back. He’s not my child, I don’t have that mother/child bond with him that I have with my kids and I don’t know if that will ever change. But does it really have to? I used to think so, and I put a lot of pressure on myself in the beginning to try to do this. But in the last year or so, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might never truly love him that way. And I’m okay with that.
I’ve met women in my situation that have opened up their hearts and their homes to the OC and love them like they love their own children, and I admire these women. You ladies are the strongest people I know and I am so glad to have met all of you and if I had to go thru all this crap with anyone I’m glad it’s with all of you!
I think in a situation like my own, outsiders tend to forget about the wife. As soon as there is any mention of another child being involved, all the attention immediately goes towards him/her. I remember that being the case for the first year after D-Day if someone happened to find out about the affair and OC.
I guess people tend to think that the other child will be neglected or forgotten somehow. Maybe in my situation they thought my husband would turn out to be a dead beat dad or something like that. These same people also seem to forget about the wife’s feelings after being betrayed and how she will handle having this other child in her life as well.
Allowing the OC into my life was not an easy step and took a very long time. I’ve found that outsiders tend to like to remind wives (life myself) that; “It’s not the child’s fault,” and “He’s the victim in this mess.” But what those people tend to forget is that, I am also the victim, and it’s not my fault this happened either. So why is it that a child, who in my case, wasn’t even born yet, and when he was born, was too young to know what was going on, should be put before me and my feelings? I know that sounds very selfish, but I’m not saying the OC doesn’t matter, of course he does. But wouldn’t it make more sense to work on myself and my marriage first before we drag another innocent victim into things? That’s exactly what we did and it worked for us.
I remember in the early days going into one of our first counselling sessions and telling Anne that I didn’t know what I was supposed to be working on first, the affair or accepting the OC. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to sort myself out. With her suggestion and guidance, we all agreed that our marriage had to come first if we were going to be able to invite the OC into our lives at some point. Through counselling we learned that our marriage had to come first above everything, and that as long as we were happy our children would be happy as well.
My husband chose to sacrifice his time with the OC in the very beginning of our healing process, but was never a dead beat dad. And now, the OC spends almost 50% of his time with us. What’s funny though is that even today, almost 4 years from D-Day, every now and then someone still asks a question in a very judgemental way, like; “How often do you see the OC?,” but no one ever asks me how I am doing.
When people see the other child, they naturally assume he’s my son, and a twin to our other toddler seeing as they are both the same age. We got a few strange looks from our neighbours at first when they noticed an extra child staying at our house. I think most aren’t really sure what’s up, and haven’t really gotten around to asking.
One thing that I find a bit weird is how I refer to the other child. I guess, the best definition is that he is my ‘step child.’ However, even that term doesn’t really fit. A step child is a child that existed before you were married. In my case, this child showed up after my husband and I had already been together for almost 9 years. So mostly I refer to him as ‘my husbands son.’ What else can I call him?
She’s bitter. The other woman told my husband awhile ago that she was bitter about how everything turned out. I guess in her mind, it never occurred to her that things could turn out this way. I guess in her mind, everything would only work in her favour. I’m not sure why she would think that even with my husband telling her constantly that he would never leave me.
What’s even more interesting is that her own mother was an “other woman” as well. Her mom had an affair with a married man that man left his wife and they went on to have 2 kids, she being the 2nd child. From what my husband learned from her during the time of the affair, although her mom and the married man were together, it wasn’t a happy marriage. How can you have a happy marriage when you’re basically forced to be with someone because of an unexpected (on the husband’s part) pregnancy?
So in my situation, my other woman I guess figured that since it all worked out for her mom, it would work out the same for her. Even after disclosure, she contacted some of my husband’s friends crying and asking them what they thought, and if they thought my husband should be with her. When they didn’t say what she wanted to hear, she didn’t call them again. But what I don’t quite understand is what makes her think she’s so special? Why would she feel that my husband SHOULD be with her, and not me?
I don’t really rack my brain trying to figure out the inner workings of the “other woman’s” brain, what for? Whatever she is thinking never makes any sense to anyone except herself. Her motivations are usually selfish and stem from a lot of insecurities. I once read a post from The Other Child, from man who was the result of an affair. In his case, his mom ended up alone without the married man. His mom used to say to him all the time; “I may not have gotten the man, but at least I got his child.” Now, why would you say that to your child? I don’t get it.
When I first found out about the affair I was ready to end my marriage. In my mind, I was already planning out my life as a future divorcee and single mom.
The sole reason for my not making any move immediately was because I was 8 weeks pregnant, and worried that the stress of starting over, could possibly cause some harm to the baby. So I made the decision to just wait until the baby came and then figure things out. However, my husband saw these 8 more months as the perfect opportunity spend his time seeking forgiveness, and it paid off.
Both of us agree, that had I not been pregnant at the time, the outcome of our marriage most likely would have been very different. I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, and we both feel that our 1st child, Cody, is what kept us together.
Now, I’ve seen the looks I get from people when they find out our situation. I know that look. It’s a look I would have had pre-affair if someone had told me their husband had cheated on them. I’m guessing these people most likely see me as a doormat of some sort. Possibly? Maybe, but who cares. I was the victim, remember!? Why give me the look? I like to think I’m much smarter than these people and far more wise (and not the least bit humble). Smarter, because I know that saying what you think you should do and what you will actually do are two different things. And wiser, because I have survived infidelity and another child, and despite that, I know I’m in a happier marriage than a lot of people that haven’t gone through anything like that.
I like to think that staying takes more courage and dedication then leaving. Anyone can leave, but not everyone can stay and make it work.
So over the weekend, I was chatting with some friends about my blog and I used the words ‘trailer park’ to describe my life. My friends found this pretty funny and so do I, but its so true.
It totally reminds me of something I used to watch on Jerry Springer. The episode could be entitled; “That’s my baby daddy, b***h!’
Now I grew up far from a trailer park, and so did Warren. I was raised in a middle class family, and my brothers and I had pretty much everything we needed. Looking back, I remember when I first found out about the affair and other child, one of my first thoughts was that “Omg, I’m the perfect candidate for a trailer park!” And then I thought…”Do Chinese people live in trailer parks?”
Accepting the affair and the other child has been a very big pill to swallow. Before this all happened, I was definitely one of those people that would have said; “That will never happen to me!” Like most people, I grew up with visions of a perfect life ahead of me, instead I got this ‘trailer park’ life. I’ll be the first to admit its been a tough road, and every now and then we still hit a speed bump or two along the way, but despite it all, my ‘trailer park’ life is mine and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Its hard knowing that outsiders looking in will judge us, but someone on the outside looking in also can’t see how much love it took to keep us together, and how much happier we are now.
P.S. No offence to those living in trailer parks.
I recently came across an article on www.oprah.com entitled “Facts You Didn’t Know About Cheating.”
You can find it at http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/blogs/Facts-About-Cheating?FB=fb_unfaithful_030312_1
It says…
Infidelity and Divorce:
Men. Vs. Women
Cheating Types and Results:
“There is infidelity in 8 out of 10 marriages in theUnited States.” What I find interesting is how common cheating is, but yet, how unaware many people are about it. I guess as little kids we are taught to dream of the white picket fence and 2.2 kids, but the reality is not even close to this.
I used to think marriage should be ‘easy.’ Meaning, you and your partner should just fit well together without putting in a lot of effort. Since the affair, the hubby and I share a different opinion on this. Marriage is difficult, and needs a lot of work and constant attention and nurturing in order to survive. Pre-affair, we got along great. No one would ever suspect any problems. Even after disclosure, we still had many moments where we could hold a conversation or be in the same room without anyone suspecting we were on the brink of ending our marriage.
We also chose not to tell most of our family and friends immediately. So for over a year a lot of the people that knew us well, didn’t suspect a thing. And after we started telling people about what was going on, needless to say there were a lot of surprised looks.
We had both decided long before we started telling our family and friends about the affair and other child, that if we came across anyone that was angry or disagreed with how we chose to handle things that we would (depending on who they were) just write them out of our lives. We just didn’t think that having the negativity around us would be good for us or the kids in the long run. And really, what we decided to do wasn’t really anyone else’s business. You can judge all you want, but until your in the same situation, you have no idea how you would handle it.
So we went into it expecting a lot of backlash from others (mostly friends), but surprisingly enough, majority of people we knew were very understanding and happy we stayed together. We did have a negative experience with one wife of a friend. While at her wedding, she got drunk and decided to tell off the hubby. At her own wedding! Sad isn’t it? Firstly, how could the hubby defend himself? He’d look like a complete jerk yelling at the bride! (I had to leave early to go home and nurse the baby or I would have b***h slapped her). Secondly, its your wedding. Is this really what you want to focus on, on your wedding day? Its not like she was a close friend of mine, we barely knew each other, so she wasn’t really doing this for my benefit. We just figured she’s a bit of a mouth piece and felt the need to offer her opinion on our lives, and so we did what any normal, rational person would do when someone pisses you off. We deleted her as a friend on facebook.
My point is, it was a major turning point to open our world up to our friends and family. It took alot of discussion, preparation and wine. But after we did it, it went much easier than we could have ever expected.
Thinking back, when I found out about the affair, one of the first things I did was google it. I came up with some sites about affairs and cheating, but almost nothing about an affair where the other woman had become pregnant.
So I think I should go into a bit more detail about the disclosure of the affair and the other child, since at that time I wished there was more information available to me.
Here goes…My husband called me one afternoon while I was on my way home from work. The first thing he said was “I need to tell you something.” If you’ve ever had that feeling of dread, and a premonition that something bad was going to happen, that’s exactly how I felt. I responded with, “What did you do?” And that’s when he told me he had slept with someone else and that she was pregnant.
It felt like I had been punched in the stomach and couldn’t breathe. I immediately started screaming at him into the phone. I was crying and hysterical. All he did was listen. He was on his way home too, as he had expected that this was not going to be a short conversation.
We met at home and the fight (physical and verbal) lasted that afternoon, night and continued on for the week. I guess it wasnt really a fight, it was more or less just me doing the yelling and him taking it. I kicked him out that very night, but there were still lots of phone calls, texts and emails. He went to stay with his parents.
His story was that he had made a big mistake, and he had tried to end it. However, every time he tried to end it, she threatened to “tell your wife” and at one point threatened suicide. I’d like to point out here, as I mentioned in my earlier post “My take on the Other Woman,” that this is a good example of an “other woman”. She’s so desperate to keep a man, that for some reason she feels that blackmail is the solid foundation upon which all good relationships are made. Crazy? Most likely.
Oh, I forgot to mention, when I met my husband in our driveway, she was there too! What balls! Apparently the hubby had told her just before, that he was going to tell me everything, and she felt the need to be there for this.
Looking back, Warren and I both agree that the only reason she felt the need to be there was because, although, the voices in her head were telling her she was in a ‘real committed relationship’ and that he would never leave her, some small part of her probably didn’t feel as confident as those voices (probably the part that told her HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED), and she most likely thought that if she was present, he would just look at her, and he’d hear the birds chirping and envision the two of them frolicking away with the wind in their hair.
As soon as I saw her I told her in very graphic detail what she could do with herself. For awhile she refused to leave, but finally gave in and left. However, right after she drove away she called my husband (he didn’t answer) and continued to call him right up until the late night hours, until he finally shut off his phone.
So as the story goes, the hubby spent about a week at his parents, only coming home to change clothes, etc. And in the meantime continued to try to win me back in every way he thought possible. After a couple of weeks he said he was moving back into the guest room, since this was his house too, and he paid for ½ the mortgage. Obviously, this was also his way to also get closer to me and continue to try to beg for forgiveness.
Between the affair and the “other child”, the ‘other child’ was probably a bit more of a struggle to deal with. Initially I wanted nothing to do with the child. He was only a reminder of the pain my husband caused. We knew she had gotten pregnant intentionally to try to maintain the relationship because it had gotten to the point where he was doing everything he could to end the affair. Once again, perfect example of the ‘other woman.’ Desperate? Yes. A bit crazy? Most likely.
But once we started counselling, I learned how to deal with both the affair and the other child. We dealt first with the affair, and once we were in a better place with each other, accepting the other child into our lives became much easier.
Moral of the story…stay away from crazies.
