Breathing again…

December 21, 2012 By 11 Comments

For the past several months, I have been working on forgiving my husband. I made the decision to do this because I felt tired of being angry and resentful of my life and how things turned out. I was missing my happier self, and I felt like my angry and sad self was not good for me or for my kids.

I’d gotten to the point where there was nothing left that my husband could do anymore that he hadn’t already done. I feel like I’ve spent the last 4 ½ years of my life trying to make him hurt as much as he hurt me, and what I’ve learned from the “Take Your Life Back” seminar is that he can never feel what I feel, or hurt as much as I hurt, and that’s okay.  It’s okay because I can see that he is a man that is sincere in his apology and his actions. He is truly remorseful for what he has done.  

So with some guidance from Brian Bercht, and after attending the “Take Your Life Back” Seminar in Orlando, Florida, just last November, I learned how to do this.  The letter he had written to me (see previous post), couldn’t have come at a better time.  It only reinforced my decision that the timing was right.  

I’m happy to report that on December 15, 2012, I forgave my husband. We got a babysitter for the kids, and then drove out to a private spot where I read him a letter I had written. The letter summarized my healing journey over the last 4 ½ years and where I am today. And at the end of the letter I stated that I was going to forgive him.  I cried and my husband cried. We went out for a nice dinner and then after dinner we went home.  I had written out all my resentments on pieces of paper, and in our backyard I burned them all.  It was very therapeutic and symbolic. And although I have forgiven my husband, he says he doesn’t know if he will ever forgive himself. 

It feels like the weight has been lifted and I can breathe again.

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And sadness takes over…

June 11, 2012 By 8 Comments

I said to my hubby the other day; “I’m not so much angry anymore, I’m more sad that the OC exists.” I don’t hate the OC, I just hate what the OC represents.

Over the last few years, I’ve met some women in my situation that have fully accepted the OC as their own. They are able to look past everything and care for and love this child like they do with their own children.  I am baffled by it. My husband and I do our best not to treat the OC differently from the other children when he is around.  But in my eyes, he’s still is and forever will be a reminder of my husbands infidelity.

Let me paint a picture…I was always and still am a perfectionist and a control freak. I had pictured my life turning out a very specific way, and when it didn’t follow the path I wanted it to follow, it just threw my world upside down and for a long time I wasn’t sure how to function.   Even now, I still struggle with the ‘imperfections” in my life.  I am completely aware that I bare the weight of these ‘imperfections” on my own shoulders, when in fact they aren’t my failures, but my husbands. But for some reason I have a really difficult time separating it from me.

When other people find out about the affair and the OC, I am the one that feels embarrassed and ashamed. When we go out in public with the OC, I am the one that is worried someone who doesn’t know might see us.

My husband was completely understanding when he heard all of this, and said he thought I had already gone above and beyond what he would have expected when it came to the OC.  And just by accepting the OC into my life was more than he could have asked for.

I like to think of this as just another bump on the journey towards healing and forgiveness. I think it’s a good thing that the anger has dissipated and now the ‘mourning’ period is here. I am mourning the life I used to have and used to dream of. And now hopefully all that’s left to come is acceptance of what is here now and complete forgiveness.

photo by: sosa
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Quality time

March 26, 2012 By 2 Comments

Pinned ImageFor just over a week now it’s just been the 4 of us (Warren, myself and our 2 kids). Grayer has been on vacation and won’t be back until the end of the week.  I have to say it has been nice just having the 4 of us around. The house is much quieter and its been great not having to break up any fights between the 2 toddlers, or worrying about one toddler waking up another toddler in the middle of the night or during naps.

As part of our healing journey, it has been important to me to have my own quality time with my family.  I am not in any way saying that Grayer is not part of our family, he is, but he’s more of an extension of our family. And for the last while, we haven’t had much quality family time, so this week and a half so far has been a nice change (and its given us an opportunity to see what life with only 2 kids is like! – definitely easier than 3).

I find when I don’t get enough quality time from my husband or with ‘my’ family things start to get a bit rough at home. There’s always a bit of tension brewing and Warren can always sense this. If you’ve ever read the book “The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate” by Gary Chapman, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. One of my love languages is ‘quality time,’ and when I’m lacking in that, our home is not a happy one.  This can be tough on Warren though, because aside from working full time, he has to balance his time with Grayer and with us. Needless to say he’s pretty exhausted most days, and doesn’t get a lot of time to himself anymore. I’m sure some might be thinking that that’s the price you pay when you cheat on your wife and have another child. Believe me, in the beginning I reminded him of this ALWAYS. But after awhile, you start to see that getting in those little jabs doesn’t really get you anywhere, and that type of thinking, only fuels more anger, when what you hopefully want to focus on is getting over the anger and moving forward. I’m not at all saying I don’t have my bad days, but letting the anger in is like never letting go and that would be a terrible way to live. I know people that are still angry at their ex’s for cheating, even though they haven’t been together for years.

I’ve come across some other sites about affairs and it seems a lot of anger is directed at the “other woman/man”, and believe me, in the beginning a lot of my frustration was directed at her and, I’ll admit, at times I still do like to make fun (see my previous post “More details please”) and I probably always will to some degree, but somewhere along the way, I got to the point where thinking about her, felt like I was wasting my time, because in reality she just isn’t worth my time.

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