Breathing again…

For the past several months, I have been working on forgiving my husband. I made the decision to do this because I felt tired of being angry and resentful of my life and how things turned out. I was missing my happier self, and I felt like my angry and sad self was not good for me or for my kids.

I’d gotten to the point where there was nothing left that my husband could do anymore that he hadn’t already done. I feel like I’ve spent the last 4 ½ years of my life trying to make him hurt as much as he hurt me, and what I’ve learned from the “Take Your Life Back” seminar is that he can never feel what I feel, or hurt as much as I hurt, and that’s okay.  It’s okay because I can see that he is a man that is sincere in his apology and his actions. He is truly remorseful for what he has done.  

So with some guidance from Brian Bercht, and after attending the “Take Your Life Back” Seminar in Orlando, Florida, just last November, I learned how to do this.  The letter he had written to me (see previous post), couldn’t have come at a better time.  It only reinforced my decision that the timing was right.  

I’m happy to report that on December 15, 2012, I forgave my husband. We got a babysitter for the kids, and then drove out to a private spot where I read him a letter I had written. The letter summarized my healing journey over the last 4 ½ years and where I am today. And at the end of the letter I stated that I was going to forgive him.  I cried and my husband cried. We went out for a nice dinner and then after dinner we went home.  I had written out all my resentments on pieces of paper, and in our backyard I burned them all.  It was very therapeutic and symbolic. And although I have forgiven my husband, he says he doesn’t know if he will ever forgive himself. 

It feels like the weight has been lifted and I can breathe again.

Comments

  1. Grace says:

    I am in awe! I am ten months p ast d-day, and I too am tired of feeling sad, resentful, fearful and a sense of rage over the choices my husband made and what those choice have done to me, us, our kids, our marriage and our family. Your blog gives me great hope. I am not quite where you are yet. But I am praying that I am on the way. Thanks for sharing, thanks for the encouragement, thanks for being “real” and shining a light! Blessings!

    • Wendy says:

      I think the first year was the hardest and I feel for you. The healing journey is a tough one. But stay strong and keep moving forward. I know it probably doesnt seem like it now, but there is always hope for a better future.
      Take care,
      Wendy

  2. Congratulations on your healing journey thus far! I’m so glad that you’re in a better place and that the weight has been lifted from you. I know that it probably could not have been easy, but just know that you’re a strong and caring person for doing so.

    I really enjoyed reading the letter that your husband wrote — it definitely showed that he is honestly remorseful and it takes a MAN to do that.

    Congrats to the both of you!

    • Wendy says:

      Thanks Caitlin! Its been a long, long journey, and Im glad the worst of it is behind us now.
      Happy holidays to you!
      Wendy

  3. KatesWorld40 says:

    Forgiving is so liberating. Isn’t it? That is the true feeling & power of forgiveness! Enjoy that feeling. Once I forgave my husband the world was a better place. I was able to see, smell, touch & experience life on a higher level. Even food taste better! Congratulations on healing for yourself.

    At times you may question if you did the right thing. Don’t let doubt take over. You forgave him for yourself.

    After I forgave him, I forgave myself, and then I was able to concentrate and focus on truly working on our marriage with less baggage. Unfortunately, you can’t forget all the pain you have endured. But wrestling with the pain is akin to cleaning a messy overgrown garden. Forgiveness is the new soil. Now plant the life you want. It’s a fresh start.

    Make Your Own Adventure!
    Kate.

    • Wendy says:

      It is liberating. And yes, at times there is doubt, but I’ve been managing to ignore it and keep moving forward. Forgiveness is a work in progress, just like marriage, I suppose.
      But since I have forgiven, I do feel ‘freeer’ in some ways.
      Im glad your in a happy place as well. It makes the holidays so much more enjoyable!
      Wendy

  4. Erica says:

    Hi – I’m new to your blog (found you via Eat My Scabs). It sounds like a rough 5 years. I can empathize. I discovered my H’s 6-month affair on 18 Jan 2011 and exactly one week later gave birth to our first children (twins). “Devastating” doesn’t begin to describe the pain of infidelity, especially complicated when pregnancy is involved (whether your own &/or OW’s).

    My H and I are doing okay — lots of good MC, IC for both of us, and he’s incredibly remorseful. I stopped worrying about forgiveness because whenever I think of that concept related to this I get really ‘hard’ & angry again and I figured better to just work on things slowly, day by day, and if something like forgiveness happens to come, then so be it. It sounds like forgiveness was a choice for you, though, and a liberating one at that. I’m curious to hear more because, as I said, I think I push the concept of forgiveness to the back of my mind thinking that it’ll trigger a setback. But maybe, like so many things in life, I need to see it from a different vantage & with fresh perspective? Many thanks and nice to ‘meet’ you!

    • Wendy says:

      Glad to have you stop by. :)
      I think you have to be in the right mind-set before you can even begin to think about forgiveness. For myself, it wasnt even a consideration until after about 4 yrs in. And it was a conscious choice for me because if I didnt do it, I just felt like I would forever walk around with a dark cloud over my head. I needed to move on and that meant letting go. My husband put in the work and still is, and there was nothing else he could have done. The ball was in my court and I had to make a decision. I attended a “Take your life back” seminar with Brian & Anne Bercht in November and that gave me the tools I needed to take that final step. I think the common misconception is that forgivness is like giving your spouse a free pass for what they did to us. But over time you learn that forgivness is for the betrayed spouse. It frees us from the pain and hurt, and it lifts the weight off our shoulders.
      I feel your pain. It was very tough to deal with infidelity and a newborn, let alone twins! And being only 1 year in, the road can be tough. Hang in there tho. Marriage is hard and takes alot of work and dedication.
      Sending you positive thoughts,
      Wendy

      • Erica says:

        Thanks for your perspective, Wendy. Like your situation, my husband is doing all the work he needs to do and there’s really not much more he can do. If he could change the past I’m sure he wouldn’t make the same bad decisions. But alas, the past is written. The ball is now in my court & I’m getting tired of feeling non-commital. Curious – Did your husband attend the ‘Take Your Life Back’ seminar as well? Curious what he thought.

        Thanks again for your perspective – very helpful! Have a nice weekend…

        • Wendy says:

          The Take your life back retreat is only for betrayed spouses. So no, my husband didnt come. But the 2 of us did attend the Healing from affairs weekend 4 years ago, and it was also well worth it. You may want to check it out. I really dont think we could have gotten to the place were at without good counselling. I really recommend it.
          I know the feeling of being tired of being non-commital. I think time is a key factor in our healing. You’ll know when your ready to forgive. :)
          Wendy

          • Erica says:

            Thanks, Wendy. I’ve considered the couples retreat but not sure how to finagle babysitting for a weekend away. In any case, I agree 100% with you about counseling. We go to a great couples counselor weekly and each to our individual counselors. It’s been a long 2 years and we still have a way to go, but wouldn’t have any kind of chance if we didn’t dive into counseling the way we did.

            Time… our friend, our foe!

  5. Michelle says:

    This brings me so much hope! Thank you

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