A Cheater’s Story

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending the “Take your life back” seminar in Orlando, Florida. It was a seminar hosted by Brian & Anne Bercht, of Passionate Life Seminars. It was an amazing, life changing experience that I’ll never forget.

When I got home, my husband told me he had written something for me to post on my blog. This is what he wrote:

I’m A Cheater,

Growing up, this word didn’t really mean much to me.  I cheated on tests at school, cheated in races and even cheated in golf with the odd kick or flubbed score.  Sometimes I would get caught, most of the times not (so I think…).  Then in 2008, everything changed….

I was married to my best friend, my confident, my rock Wendy.  We never had any issues or major fights, we fit like a glove.  But for some reason I pushed those thoughts and feelings aside, and had an affair.

I have always been a person that everyone likes, and I want everyone to like me.  I will help people out whenever possible and even sometimes when it is not.  I met the other women (OW), at the gym and we developed a friendship.  Over time she started telling me her problems, and I would try and fix them or just listen and let her vent.  We talked a lot, and it seemed that I was talking more to her than I was to my wife (I was working 2 jobs, 1 was at the gym).  The OW gave me a gift after a few months; it was a gift cert. for a restaurant in the area.  I told my wife about it, I didn’t want it, but felt that I should take her out of awkwardness since she wouldn’t take it back, I told Wendy and so it went.  We trusted each other whole heartedly, and never would an affair be even a thought in our minds.  That was the first time I moved part of my “do Not Cross” line over a bit.  Over the next weeks and months, we would meet for coffee or have a quick bite while on my breaks.  Then one day came a kiss, I don’t remember who kissed who or how it happened, but looking back I can see that my “Do Not Cross” line was no longer a line but a line with great hills on the other side from all the pushing.  What was I doing?! What was I thinking?!  It had to stop; I won’t tell Wendy and just bury this in the vault.  And that is what happened, for a while…

Over the next bit, I found myself picking on Wendy, pointing out flaws (I use this term only to paint a picture) that I loved before, started arguments or just wouldn’t even really talk at all.  I started working more which meant seeing the OW more and keeping me out of the house in the evenings.  It seemed all my wife and I were talking about at home was paying bills, cleaning and what’s on TV next.  When I would talk to the OW, she had problems! And better yet, she really wanted my help and solutions.  She made me feel needed and wanted, and so the web was spun and the affair started. 

I was 2 different people during that time.  The first- husband, I would pretend everything was fine and I just had to work some days longer into the night than others.  Second, the knight in shining armour, I would ride in and make the problems go away.  I was able to turn my guilt off pretty easy after a while and somehow when I was in the moment I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong.

My wife and I started talking about having kids again, and after a bit of hesitation, I agreed, we always wanted kids.  It was time to end it with the OW; this was not as easy as I thought.  I tried to limit the time we would see each other, not return texts or phone calls until much later hoping she would think I was a jerk and dump me.  Didn’t work… I would have to break-up with her myself (weird, as I was married, she knew it and she wasn’t my girlfriend).  Didn’t work… Between the threats of telling my wife, (who was now expecting our child) saying she will change and suicide threats, I stayed longer than planned.  In the end, our time was very limited together, as I was planning my next escape.  She called me over to the house because she had something to tell me.  I was nervously excited, thinking she had met someone and I was out.  Instead, she told me she was pregnant.  She had forgotten to take her pill for multiple days.

Telling my wife was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  All the guilt I had hidden away came crashing back into my heart as I heard my wife’s voice, how could I have done this, what was I thinking, why do I always do the stupidest things in life, why did I do this to Wendy!  As I drove home talking to my wife on the phone, the OW was calling me non stop.  I was telling my wife everything, and apologizing constantly.  I will never forget the look on my wife’s face that day, it was sadness, disgust, anger and betrayal all in one, and I caused it.  I vowed to honour and protect her, to love and respect her until death do us part, and this is what I did to her?  What is wrong with me?!  Rightfully so, I was kicked out of the house, quite literally actually.  I went to stay at my parents, and another confession.

Over the next weeks, I worked hard to try and win Wendy back.  Talking more than I ever have, answering everything she wanted to know about the affair.  Over time we started seeing counsellors that Wendy found, Brian and Anne Bercht.  I credit them for giving me the tools to work our way through this infidelity.  My wife gets the most credit by far, she had the rug pulled out from her yet she managed to somehow stay on her feet.  She has put countless hours into working on our marriage by reading books, joining and hosting chats and starting this blog.  She is my hero, she has not forgiven me nor do I expect her to anytime soon or at all, but she has given us another chance.  There are good days and bad days, but the good days are really outnumbering the bad ones the more we talk and the spend time with each other.

When I look back on the affair, I realize that I wasn’t 2 different people; I was only one – a selfish person who cared only about himself.  I wish I could have realized that a long time ago.

These days, my wife is my best friend, my confidant, my rock and my lover.  I will live with the knowledge that I hurt her more than anyone ever could.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, but you know what, it doesn’t seem like work to me, it is just me loving my wife the way she deserves.  Once a cheater always a cheater?  I personally don’t think so.

To my wife – You are my hero; you are strong, confident and brave, yet gentle and vulnerable.  You are an inspiration to me and role model for our kids, one that truly knows love, life and family.  I love you forever and a day; you are amazing thanks for being you…

Forever yours

Needless to say, I was bawling before I even finished.  I never asked him to write this, but it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.

To my husband, I love you more than you will ever know.

Comments

  1. Shannon says:

    I LOVE this letter. This is a testament to alot of self reflection and hard work on your hubby’s part. This is a man deserving of a second chance and a fresh start. The work you have both done is inspiring.

  2. This is beautiful. I agree that this man deserves a second chance. You are an inspiration to me also. If these words came from my husband, I would see the world so differently.

  3. Yarek says:

    Yes, this is a beautiful letter. Wendy, I did exactly the same bad thing as your husband did. I had an affair, I cheated to my wife for three years. And there is the OC from my affair. The child lives with her mother in another country, in Europe, and we live here. The child is only 6 months old, and I told my wife everything in November last year. I myself could sign the letter that your husband wrote and give it to my wife. My situation was almost exactly the same. My wife is everything to me, and I so much regret the things I did. We also attended Ann’s and Brian’s seminar, and it was so much helpful. The best spent money in our lives. As you know it is not easy with the OC. We are looking for help and advice on how to approach this situation. We both want to help this child, and I of course pay child support, but it is so hard, especially that we do not want to have any contact with the OW. I am sure that we need to focus on our marriage first, and it may take years before we are ready to meet the child. And I will never do anything in this direction, before we are BOTH ready, i.e. me and my wife, and especially my wife. . We have two sons, 17 and 9, but we did not tell them yet that they have a sister in their home country. We are looking for couples with similar problems, and we hope that Ann and Brian will organize a seminar for couples with an extramarital child from the affair. In you other post I saw you know many couples like us. Maybe we could at least support each other, and hope we could meet together at a seminar some day in the future.
    I wish you both luck in your journey. Will be coming back to your blog more often…

    • Wendy says:

      Yarek, I would love to chat more. Especially to your wife, as Im sure she could use the support. Its been just over 4 1/2 yrs since D day for me and just last weekend I told my husband I forgave him. We put in alot of time and work into our marriage and its paid off. Infidelity is one thing, but dealing with and OC makes the situation so much more difficult. Thru my blog I’ve met quite a few others in the same situation, all couples are still together and working on their marriages, and most have forgiven their spouses.
      Please email me directly at wendy@chattychicky.com and we can talk more. And yes, hopefully one day we’ll run into eachother at a seminar. :)
      Wendy

  4. Being Her says:

    Beautiful. It makes me want to try harder with my husband. Try and understand his addiction. It makes me regret ‘giving up’ even if I tried for two years. What a beautiful letter. He seems very sincere.
    Glad you saved your marriage.

  5. scabs says:

    I’m bawling and can barely read the screen! Thank your husband for his humility and thank you for sharing.

  6. Sparrow says:

    This absolutely the best and most thoughtful letter. I can truly see a changed man. Thank you for sharing:)

  7. Those are truly the words of a cheater that “gets it”.
    Took me a long time to accept that sometimes good guys do REALLY bad things, but that doesn’t mean they are unredeemable.
    I’m gonna share this with my “good guy” that cheated.

  8. Wow. I showed this letter to my betraying partner and he said that this is basically exactly how he felt. On one hand it’s nice to know that we are not alone, but on the other, it seems like this pattern is almost cliche: take one perfect couple that rarely fights, extract a people pleasing husband suffering from low self-esteem issues, introduce him to a pathetic woman who needs fixing, and presto, life ruining affair.

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