For the last few weeks I’ve dug a hole and buried myself in it. It feels good. I’ve distanced myself from my husband and kids as much as possible and I’ve thought nothing about the affair. My husband asked me a few days ago if I was okay and if I wanted to talk. My answer was a flat out “No.” He said he was there if I needed him and he’s left me alone since. After 4 years, I’m just tired of thinking about, talking about and healing our marriage. I’m not giving up, just taking a break.
Pre-affair I thought our life was perfect. We were the couple that other couples wanted to be, and no one would have ever thought something like this would happen.
While in my hole this week I’ve been pretending my life is perfect again. I’ve been pretending I am married to the perfect man, and we live in the perfect house with our 2 perfect kids. In my pretend life my husband loves me the way couples love each other in the movies (because movies are reality in my pretend life). In this life, everything is bliss. We have no stress, no arguments, no anger, only love and happiness. Our marriage is completely affair proof.
And then when I open my eyes, reality smacks me hard in the face.
Since I woke up this morning I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve chosen this hole of all holes to be in right now. The only thing I can come up with is that this is just another pile of crap I’ve stepped in on the road to forgiveness. And although pre-affair I believed we were the ‘perfect’ couple, I’m just not quite ready to come out of my hole yet because that would mean letting go of the perfect life I thought I had.