And sadness takes over…

I said to my hubby the other day; “I’m not so much angry anymore, I’m more sad that the OC exists.” I don’t hate the OC, I just hate what the OC represents.

Over the last few years, I’ve met some women in my situation that have fully accepted the OC as their own. They are able to look past everything and care for and love this child like they do with their own children.  I am baffled by it. My husband and I do our best not to treat the OC differently from the other children when he is around.  But in my eyes, he’s still is and forever will be a reminder of my husbands infidelity.

Let me paint a picture…I was always and still am a perfectionist and a control freak. I had pictured my life turning out a very specific way, and when it didn’t follow the path I wanted it to follow, it just threw my world upside down and for a long time I wasn’t sure how to function.   Even now, I still struggle with the ‘imperfections” in my life.  I am completely aware that I bare the weight of these ‘imperfections” on my own shoulders, when in fact they aren’t my failures, but my husbands. But for some reason I have a really difficult time separating it from me.

When other people find out about the affair and the OC, I am the one that feels embarrassed and ashamed. When we go out in public with the OC, I am the one that is worried someone who doesn’t know might see us.

My husband was completely understanding when he heard all of this, and said he thought I had already gone above and beyond what he would have expected when it came to the OC.  And just by accepting the OC into my life was more than he could have asked for.

I like to think of this as just another bump on the journey towards healing and forgiveness. I think it’s a good thing that the anger has dissipated and now the ‘mourning’ period is here. I am mourning the life I used to have and used to dream of. And now hopefully all that’s left to come is acceptance of what is here now and complete forgiveness.

Comments

  1. StrongerMe says:

    So honest and well said. I have divorced and no longer mourn my ex, but I mourn the life that I thought I would have. And I bear the burden of embarrassment over his actions, even though I can intellectually reason with myself that it’s not my fault.

    • Wendy says:

      Exactly! I know its not my fault but I have to keep telling myself that. I never had those feelings of not being pretty enough or smart enough or attractive enough. I know my ‘worth’, but its that feeling of failure that I struggle with the most.

      Thanks for the comment!
      Wendy

  2. I feel the same. I don’t know if it make it better, just maybe more normal. I haven’t taken the OC to my kids’ sporting events yet. It has worked out so it happen, yet. I guess the day will come if he gets past his latest crap. Sorry about that, my world has really changed in the last few days. the OC doesn’t seem as big of a problem as just my marriage in general. So be thankful for your husband telling you a)before the child was born and b)not starting a secondary affair before you knew and carried it on while you thought you were working on recovery.

    I hope you can someday feel the same about OC, but like you, I don’t know how it will happen either. It makes me sad when I see OC and especially when I see OC interact with H. Its like it steals from your dream every time. Also being a control, perfectionist person I get it. If I had control, this wouldn’t have happened. This is not my dream.

    • Wendy says:

      Im sorry about your situation. Like I said before, your a tough woman. And your right, I am lucky to be where I am today, as things could have turned out much worse.
      I guess we’ll never have the dream life we wanted, but maybe we can find a silver lining in all of this mess.
      Take care.

  3. I think what you’re doing is heroic. I can’t even imagine an every day reminder like that. It’s the main reason I didn’t make the choice to accept the OC – that and her mama is a nutcase. I don’t want a daily setback in my healing. The way we see it as that I’ve done nothing wrong here and my healing needs to happen unimpeded. Her presence would constantly negate any progress I’ve made in her absence. I just couldn’t do it. I’ve Ben trough enough , and it’s my gift to myself to give myself the option to say
    No. My husband doesn’t want to see the OC either, because of what she represents to
    Him – his infidelity, pain to me, the crazy psycho who bore her….no ma’am, I could not do it.

    • Wendy says:

      Ya I hear what your saying. If my husband didnt want anything to do with the OC, then my situation would probalby be more similar to yours. We took the first year of the childs life to focus on just us, with out the OC around, but after the birth of our 1st son, I could see the guilt in my husbands eyes. The second I found out about the OC, I knew my husband wouldnt be able to NOT be a part of his life at some point. My husband was willing to wait as long as I wanted to, but becaue I knew the OC would have to be in our lives eventually, I had to make it part of our healing journey. To not include it would only bring me back to square one again when he did come into our lives. And even during that first year when the OC wasnt around, he still always felt like a weight on my shoulders, and eventually I just had to rip the bandaid off, and deal with it. :)

  4. DJ says:

    Hi Wendy – I’m glad to get to know you. How strong you are! It was hard enough to know that my husband was involved in his OW’s children’s lives… I don’t know what I would have done if any of those children had actually been his.

    I like the way your blog is set up and the way you write. I will be a regular!

    DJ

    • Wendy says:

      Thanks DJ! Glad you found me! I too will be checking out your blog. Always nice to meet a fellow infidelity survivor. The more support the better!

      Wendy

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