Am I Selfish?

We see the OC at least 3-4 times a week. He lives less than 25 min away, and his daycare is actually about 5 min from our house.  When he’s here everything is fine, the kids play, my husband is happy to spend time with him and everything is good.

But on the days when he is not here, I find I really value that time with my kids and husband even more. I enjoy the time when the OC is here as well, but I think his absence makes me really appreciate what is rightfully mine even more. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes the OC being here just feels like having a houseguest that stays for awhile and then keeps coming back. He’s not my child, I don’t have that mother/child bond with him that I have with my kids and I don’t know if that will ever change.  But does it really have to? I used to think so, and I put a lot of pressure on myself in the beginning to try to do this. But in the last year or so, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might never truly love him that way.  And I’m okay with that.

I’ve met women in my situation that have opened up their hearts and their homes to the OC and love them like they love their own children, and I admire these women. You ladies are the strongest people I know and I am so glad to have met all of you and if I had to go thru all this crap with anyone I’m glad it’s with all of you!

Comments

  1. From my point of view, which had been similar to yours before the OC moved out of state with his mother, you are not selfish. I think you are human. The lack of attachment is what I speculate to be an emotional survival thing inside of us. I don’t think I can handle being equally attached to the OC as to my children and have no real say in their life. Like in my case when the child moves hours away and you almost never see them at that point.

    I do understand how you feel. Feel guilty for similar feelings myself. I’ve started several more entries for my blog and this is in one of them. I’m trying to get my thoughts sorted out a little better on them before publishing them.

  2. Scabs says:

    I can’t imagine seeing the oc. Talk about trigger. The actual production of an affair smack dab in front of you. Is this too much? sorry. I think you are brave and kind. And incredibly forgiving. What you have done can’t possibly be selfish.

  3. Michelle says:

    How brave of you to admit to your lack of affection to wards the OC. I don’t find it selfish at all

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