What about me?

 

 

 

I think in a situation like my own, outsiders tend to forget about the wife. As soon as there is any mention of another child being involved, all the attention immediately goes towards him/her.  I remember that being the case for the first year after D-Day if  someone happened to find out about the affair and OC.

I guess people tend to think that the other child will be neglected or forgotten somehow.   Maybe in my situation they thought my husband would turn out to be a dead beat dad or something like that. These same people also seem to forget about the wife’s feelings after being betrayed and how she will handle having this other child in her life as well.

Allowing the OC into my life was not an easy step and took a very long time.  I’ve found that outsiders tend to like to remind wives (life myself) that; “It’s not the child’s fault,” and “He’s the victim in this mess.”  But what those people tend to forget is that, I am also the victim, and it’s not my fault this happened either.  So why is it that a child, who in my case, wasn’t even born yet, and when he was born, was too young to know what was going on, should be put before me and my feelings? I know that sounds very selfish, but I’m not saying the OC doesn’t matter, of course he does.  But wouldn’t it make more sense to work on myself and my marriage first before we drag another innocent victim into things?  That’s exactly what we did and it worked for us.

I remember in the early days going into one of our first counselling sessions and telling Anne that I didn’t know what I was supposed to be working on first, the affair or accepting the OC.  I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to sort myself out.  With her suggestion and guidance, we all agreed that our marriage had to come first if we were going to be able to invite the OC into our lives at some point.  Through counselling we learned that our marriage had to come first above everything, and that as long as we were happy our children would be happy as well.

My husband chose to sacrifice his time with the OC in the very beginning of our healing process, but was never a dead beat dad. And now, the OC spends almost 50% of his time with us.  What’s funny though is that even today, almost 4 years from D-Day, every now and then someone still asks a question in a very judgemental way, like; “How often do you see the OC?,” but no one ever asks me how I am doing.

Comments

  1. L says:

    Oh Dear, Wendy!

    Okay I’ll ask how you’re doing? :-)

  2. L says:

    Wendy, because few mistresses in this era of chemical birth control get pregnant or continue their pregnancy to full term and have the baby, women sadly can’t relate to your situation of being cheated on AND ALSO living with the result of the mistress keeping the baby.

    I am so sorry for most women’s igornance.

    Please ignore the judgemental questions. It’s none of their business. And if any woman or any guy bothers to give you “helpful suggestions” be blunt and say it’s not their life and they should mind their own kids and do what they think is best for them.

    Again the judgement should be laid squarely against the woman who had the baby. You and the “other child” are victims while that mistress was the person who knew and committed the affair and it was her choices alone that violated your marriage and had conceived that baby.

  3. Rae Z says:

    Hi Wendy,

    I know I’ve said this before, but I’d like to say it again. I really admire you.

    I think some people’s judgement may come from thinking that the child born from the affair is more the victim than we are because they see the child as truly not having any choice in the matter. They tend to view betrayed spouses as having a choice, the choice to stay with our husbands even when their betrayal is so profound.

    Before I wore your shoes, (or at least one of your shoes) I think I would have been just as judgemental. Today, I know better.

    I find you an amazing women to accept this “other” victim of your husbands affair. You’ve been able to give the OC the type of empathy us betrayed spouses hardly ever get.

    Rae

  4. Wendy says:

    Thank you all. :)

    My post my have come off as bitter or angry, but Im not. I just find it strange how us wives get very easily forgotten.

    “L” – to answer your question, I am doing fine. Rae is right when she says people tend to see the OC as more of a victim because they simply dont have the choice to walk away like I, the wife does. But whether or not I chose to stay or leave, either still is a long diffficult road to travel, but I guess many people forget that or just assume its not an issue.

    But thank you both for your kind words. It means more than you will ever know. :)

    • Rae Z says:

      Hi Wendy! Your posts don’t even come close to sounding bitter and angry :) We cannot travel this difficult road without taking a little time to vent . We (us wives who have chosen to stay) can definitely be easily forgotten. Its comforting to know we are not alone and have eachother as support in our journey.

      Cheers my friend,

      Rae

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