The Truth Will Set You Free

One of the issues I’ve struggled with and still struggle with is opening up to family and friends about the whole affair/other child situation. Although I have a very public blog, very few of my friends or family know about it as of yet. And although both our immediate and some of our not so immediate friends and family know about the whole situation, there are still a lot of people that don’t.  And let’s face it, if your not searching the internet for this specific issue, chances are you will never stumble upon my blog.

My husband and I did a personality assessment a couple years ago with Passionate Life Seminars.  Based on my personality style I learned that some of the difficulties I have is that I can be too critical or finicky, that I can be overly sensitive to feedback, and that in times of stress I tend to withdraw.  These are all so very true, and probably a large part of the reasons why I haven’t opened up to my entire world about what’s gone on.   As I said, our close friends and family already know, but it’s the people we don’t see as often that are still clueless.

According to the assessment I am ‘driven to achieve goals.’  And like many other women out there, career aside, one of my goals was to fall in love, get married, have kids, and grow old with my spouse.  Obviously the affair/other child were not on my list of goals, and so telling people almost feels like admitting failure.  I know the failure is completely my husbands, and that I am the innocent party here, however, because it happened in my life, I have a really hard time separating it from me. So that’s why telling friends and family that don’t already know feels like a very scary thing.  That’s also why I feel a strong need to stand up for my husband in those rare times when someone else has judged or criticised what he’s done.  Oddly enough, in those rare cases, those people were not standing up for me (they barely knew me); they simply felt the need to stick their nose in our business and point a finger at my husband.  A good friend once said to me that one of the fears we have when it comes to sharing our problems with our spouses to an outsider, is that the outsider will judge our spouse and their opinion of our spouse will forever be tainted by what we have told them.

Pre-affair, I’ll admit, I probably was one to judge.  Post-affair, I’ve learned so much more about people and relationships that I told myself a long time ago that I would never judge anyone’s relationship again.  I made a promise to myself that if a friend came to me with a relationship issue, I would not judge and only lend an ear to listen.

Part of the reason I started this blog was because I saw it as a ‘baby step’ towards being 100% open to everyone in my life about what’s happened in the last 4 years.  My husband has said that when I decide to do something, and it could be completely out of the blue, I’ll just do it (kinda like the way I decided to start a blog). As a goal oriented person, I know that when the time is right, I will eventually make the decision to take that last step; I’m just not quite there yet…

Comments

  1. Are you a high “I”? I was a balanced C, I. and A. Leave it to me to be balanced. Lol.

    I’m running out but loved this post and will comment later!

    • Wendy says:

      Actually Im not an “I” at all. I’m a very high C, followed by a high B. My husband is the exact opposite as a I and A.

      Its crazy how accurate these assessments are!

      • Oh sorry, I was confusing my C and I qualities – cause I have them both as high…and I too am like you in the goals and the feelings of failure when things aren’t perfect. it was funny how accurate these were, and my husband is a B which is the thing I scored lowest in LOL!

        I agree with what you posted about friends judging. I lost a friend over it, and I am certain it was the affair. She was the first person I had told and she was often playing ‘devil’s advocate’ when I would talk about staying and fighting for my marriage. I think she really wanted me to leave. In retrospect, I think she wanted my marriage to end…because then it made hers look better, and hers is pretty horrible, but that is another story altogether!

        I would have a problem telling people too. I think I am glad for that very reason (among many others) that my husband’s child does not live with us, and we don’t have cause to need to explain. Most of our friends don’t know what has happened, and I often wonder what they would say/do. I wouldn’t want them to judge him, and like you, I want to protect him, which will sound twisted to anyone who hasn’t been in our shoes. Protect the man who cheated on you? I’d be considered crazy, but then at least I’d still have you :)

        • Wendy says:

          I completely understand when you say you want to protect your husband. Strange isnt it? It makes it that much harder to tell friends and family.

          I certainly dont think your crazy! :)

  2. “And like many other women out there, career aside, one of my goals was to fall in love, get married, have kids, and grow old with my spouse. Obviously the affair/other child were not on my list of goals, and so telling people almost feels like admitting failure.”

    Once again, you read my mind. You are in my head. I’ve had this discussion with my husband. His affair crushed my biggest goal of a happy family (I came from a broken family with one abusive parent). All I dreamed of vanished when I found out. I am a perfectionist. I also want what is mine to be protected. I have gone way beyond what is healthy to protect my husband. I am afraid that I have done too much to make him comfortable and make his life easy when he should be paying for his mistakes.

    As for judging other marriages, I will never judge again. No matter what it looks like on the outside, I don’t walk in their shoes. No one can understand my fire until they have stood in the middle of it.

    • Wendy says:

      You and I sound very alike my friend. There have been many times I’ve felt like I carried the burden of the affair and the OC on my own shoulders alone, simply because I constantly felt a need to try to fix everything and make my world perfect again. But because this is so un-fixable, I didn’t know how to function, except to constantly defend my husband from those that didn’t support us. And I still do this today.

join the conversation

*