Consider Yourself Lucky

The other day my husband said to me; “I feel very alone.”

<Cue the crickets chirping>

Alone? You? What? You cheated on me remember? You were never alone, when you weren’t with me you were with her, at what point were you alone? And I’m still here! Your still not alone! These were just some of my first thoughts.

He continued on to say; “I could use a little support with Grayer.”

I guess I’ve always taken a back seat when it comes to parenting the other child. I mean, he’s treated the same as the other children when he’s here, but when it comes to making any kind of decisions about him, I pretty much stay out of it.  In this case, my husband was referring to whether or not Grayer was well enough to go to daycare that day. He had had the flu previously and was just getting over it.  My response was “Sure why not.”  But I guess the hubby felt my answer lacked that “Mommy knows best” feeling. Most likely because I’m NOT his mommy!

I can sense at times my husband probably does feel alone and like a single parent when it comes to the other child. I’m here to help in the present but when I comes to making any concrete decisions about the other child, my reply is usually along the lines of “sure why not” or “up to you.”

I can pretty much equate my attitude to suddenly trying to be a parent to someone else’s kid. It’s weird and feels strange. I guess part of it also stems from me trying to protect myself. I have flash forwards of Grayer as a teenager yelling “Your not my mom! You can’t tell me what to do!”…etc.  Which I agree is completely true, and I wouldn’t blame him if he did say that to me one day.  That being said, I know step-moms that would disagree with this and say they have a completely loving relationship with their step-child(ren).  However, how the other child behaves will most likely be dependant on his mother’s attitude towards the situation.  And in our case, she is still determined to keep the affair a secret. How she plans on explaining this to the other child is beyond me. Unless the other child grows up to be an idiot that can’t do simple math her secret is bound to get out.

So I guess my hubby is justified in his feelings of being alone when it comes to parenting the other child. Maybe as time goes on I’ll grow closer to the other child and that might change, but for now, that’s pretty much how I have chosen to handle the situation, and I think that’s the best he can expect from me at the moment.

Comments

  1. L says:

    This is only what I think because I’m not sharing your situation, but the child is legally his and not yours? You’re not a stepmom. And him saying he’s feeling alone comes off as not too much to sympathize with. You’re already mending trust with the guy, so he can’t get selfish and play the single dad card and complain for more from you?

    I’m not really feeling empathy for his point. So his decision to be a dad to this child wasn’t your decision. You have forgiven him, but that doesn’t mean that he can ask for more and more. You only can give so much. And you have to have boundaries or reserves for just yourself.

    I don’t share your situation, so in all I can’t say what works for you.

    • Wendy says:

      Thanks for the advice. :)

      In my hubbies defence, his becoming a dad to this child wasnt his decision either, the OW pretty much made that decision the day she decided it was a good idea to get pregnant with a married man’s kid. On the flip side, if you chose to sleep with anyone you pretty much make yourself open to the risks involved.

      But yes, you are right, I dont empathize with him becuase it is his child and not mine and therefore his responsibility. I guess these are just the growing pains of what its like to be a single parent.

      We have discussed our ‘duties’ when it comes to the OC, and it is helpful, but as the children age, those duties continually change and its important to both of us that our sons dont see any differnce in how each child is treated.

      • L says:

        I think that you’re doing a good job. I can’t give advise since I’m not sharing your circumstances.

        You know, I know of several guys who just walk away from being a dad. I don’t blame them because women sometimes try to trap a man and get a relationship and money that way. I was thinking your husband could have just made that choice. But I no way can advise any of you. I’m not in your circumstances, so I know that I can’t really give an opinion.

  2. L says:

    Maybe you two could sit down and write up the duties toward Grayer that you two can agree on?

    I just had that thought.

    I had the idea that clear agreements would do away with any further mention of “I’m feeling alone” from your husband.

  3. Rae Z says:

    Hi Wendy,

    Your husband’s situation has to be difficult. Although I am completely baffled at the fact that you think the OW had more fault than your husband in creating this affair child, I am still amazed with the person you have been throughout this situation. You have given even more than any spouse can expect. You’ve accepted and welcomed this child into your house and family which is more than a lot of people could do.
    I say follow your instincts on all of it.
    Let your husband deal with his own consequences as you are offering the best that you can. I think your Post title says it all: Your husband should consider himself lucky. Lucky to have you. Lucky it isn’t worse.

    • Wendy says:

      Hi Rae,

      Dont get me wrong, my husband is equally responsible in creating this child. Thats not what I think. However, my husband didnt say “lets have a baby” either. She decided to go off the pill without telling him and purposely got pregnant in order to trap him. It just didnt turn out the way she pictured it.
      But definatley, he shouldnt have put himself in that situation either. So the fault lies with both of them and now they have a child that will one day most likely have many questions for both of them.
      And yes, I remind him everyday how lucky he is :)

  4. Ashley H. says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I must ask, how do you handle the OW still being a part of your life? I assume she has contact with your husband to communicate about the OC. Do you trust the communication remains platonic or does he show you all communication? Also, he or you must see the other woman in order to pick up/drop off the OC, correct? Are you scared that he will become a repeat offender since she is so present in his life? I’m sorry to ask these questions but I’m in a similar situation and your posts have helped me gain new prospective as I hope your answers to my questions will as well.

    • Wendy says:

      Hi Ashely, Yes, my husband has to have continued contact with the OW becuase of the OC. My husband has been fully transparent when it comes to dealing with the OW. I think it comes down to trusting your gut. And mine tells me the affair is over, and he wont cheat again. We’ve spent enough time in counselling and working on ourselves in order to figure out why this happend and how we can prevent it from ever happening again, that I have faith in that. And as I said…its a gut feeling. I was never the jealous/posessive type of wife, and I dont want to live the rest of my life keeping tabs on my husband. Bottom line – if he is going to cheat, he’ll find a way to do it. I’m just confident that he wont. If you cant let go of the anger, pain..etc, what kind of life do you end up living in the end? Its important to work on yourselves as a couple first (I think). Doing this will make it easier when the OW’ makes herself present in your life due to the OC. How has your dealings with the OC and OW been?

      • Ashley H. says:

        In my situation the OC was born before our marriage and wasn’t revealed until a year into my marriage. The same month the DNA results verified my husband as the OC father is the month the affair took place. I forgave him because he explained he was scared and wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Our main issue is that the OW just won’t give up. After my husband ended the affair she became very bitter. Harassing phone calls all hours of the night started (still occur a year later), my property has been vandalized, she makes constant threats and persistently tries to tempt my husband in another affair. I don’t react to any of her attacks. I just great her with kidness thinking she will give up from my lack of reaction and persistent smile. However, it seems she will never give up. It’s very hard to move on in my relationship with the OW wanting me to relive the affair every day. As for the OC, my husband has primary custody and I do love him as my own child. Probably due to her lack of mothering I feel as though I must step up to the plate for the OC, and in doing so my love continuelly grows. My gut tells me that I can trust my husband, for now. Although, he is not transparent when it comes to his communication with the OW. He feels as though revealing her constant pursuit of him will only make me “worry” and start an “unnecessary argument.” My concern is this woman will be around forever. Not just 18 years. Forever! So maybe he is good for the time being and maybe he is truly sorry and won’t want to repeat his offense. But maybe he will repeat in 10 years. I’m so afraid to forgive him now and him repeat way down the road. It’s been a year and we’ve made it but I think after reading your blog we need to seek counseling to understand why the affair took place and how to prevent an affair from ever happening again. You are a very strong woman! I really appreciate you sharing your story and helping others. I’ve read many blogs and it seems others try to sugar coat things. Thank you for your honesty.

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