Although I am 4 years in since disclosure I still haven’t come out and said to my husband “I forgive you.” I am the type of person who never forgets and rarely forgives. And although we are in a much better place right now, I still haven’t gotten to the point where I am comfortable enough to make that statement.
Recently I met Rae Z through her blog “Betrayed Stay At Home Mom.” In one of Rae’s comments on my blog she said that forgiveness is overrated and overused. I agree completely. There are people in my life, not including my husband, that have wronged me in some way and I haven’t forgiven them, nor do I see a reason too. It doesn’t haunt me at night, I don’t think about them, I don’t talk about them, and I don’t feel the need to forgive, it’s just a thing of the past and I just don’t dwell on it.
One thing I learned through counselling was that there is a tendency for the betrayed spouse to see themselves as being ‘better’ than the spouse that had the affair. For the longest time I was this person. After I found out about the affair, I treated my husband like dirt. I talked down to him, I treated him like he was the biggest idiot for having an affair and then even dumber for getting the OW pregnant, providing her with a means to hold onto him forever. It wasn’t until I started to see my husband as an equal to me that we were able to begin the healing process. Yes, he made a really stupid mistake, but it’s a mistake only, and that doesn’t affect his character or his IQ.
So I see forgiveness as a necessary step towards healing. My definition of forgiveness in this situation means letting go of all the anger and resentment I might feel towards my husband. It means not forever bringing it up whenever we have the smallest argument or disagreement about something completely un-related to the affair. It means not holding it over my husbands head and reminding him of what he did to me again and again. I see it as letting go of all the hurt feelings and sadness and remembering only the good times pre and post affair. It means trusting my husband again completely. If I can’t ever forgive him, then I can’t ever let go of all of the above, and if I can’t let go of those things, then I know I wont have the marriage I want, or have seen other couples achieve after complete forgiveness. I want the fairy tale and I won’t stop until I get it.
Rae; if your reading this, I think its great that you have found happiness again without forgiveness. Whatever works for you
Hi Wendy,
Yes, whatever works for you too!
I am not against “forgiving”, don’t get me wrong. If you feel thats what it takes to bring happiness to you and your marriage, I say, great! Forgive.
I just wanted people who’ve been through a betrayal to know that you can be “happy” without forgiving. And just because you choose not to forgive, doesn’t mean you cannot have a good relationship with your spouse. Its okay to be honest with how you really feel even when you hear everyone tell you that the only way to truly improve your marriage is to forgive your spouse. That’s simply not so for everyone.
Ever hear of the song “I’m not ready to make nice by the Dixie Chicks”. I love it when she sings : I don’t have to do it just because you think I should. It really doesn’t mean you think you are better than your spouse. Basically, whether you choose to forgive or not, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Its okay!
I hope you do get your fairy tale marriage. You are definitely to be admired for your extremely forgiving and understanding attitude. Cheers , Rae.
Wendy,
You make sense. Yes, because your husband is worth it, forgive him. You have a lot invested in him. Also, about the other child: This is cold but will help you. Don’t give yourself mental problems (which is mental conflict), and undeserved guilt on yourself by trying to believe that you should love the Other Woman’s child.
You should not make yourself love the kid. You can be a saint and like the kid. People will admire you for that. But you’re not morally expected to nor legally required to love the Other Woman’s child. And you shouldn’t. You have only so much to give, and that should go to your own kids (the ones you had by good faith and are legally yours).
The OW kid deserves love from his/her mom. You’re not the mom, so put your mind at rest with that fact. So if the OW doesn’t love the kid, that is not on you. You’re the betrayed wife — not the Other Woman who had the baby. So love your own kids that you know you should love. This should be a deal breaker. Your husband should not expect the undoable from you. And why should he? Would another wife go out of her mind and try to love and be the full mom to the affair partner’s legal child? To a child that’s not hers by good faith from her marriage, from her husband??? Anyway, I wouldn’t think bad of you for only just liking the other child. Liking is good enough.
Wendy,
I have to add that I don’t have your situation. So I’m just telling what I think. But I’m letting you know that you have my respect. If you don’t love the kid, I won’t hold that against you. I mean, what could I do in your situation? I have only so much to give. So what you do is actually pretty good according to your circumstances and is like a saint. I give you complete credit. Just liking the kid will deserve congratulations. You deserve congrats for sure
Thanks! I should clarify, that although my hubby would love for me to be closer to the other child, hes still happy the way things are, and isnt pressuring me to be any other way.
I put some of that pressure on myself at times. I guess partly because I know of other women in my situation that have grown to love the other child, as well as step parents or adoptive parents who love all their children..etc. So it makes me think sometimes that that is how I should be.
I do know that I dont HAVE to love, it might just be nice if I did. And your right, liking is enough and more than anyone can expect of me.
Yeah, liking is pretty much okay with me. And I hope you’re pressuring yourself less and less to have more feelings for the child.
I actually I have not read from any wife’s blog of the here and now actually loving the OW’s child as her own. I have read resentment though! So compared to that: You’re a saint
. I mean, you’re doing great with what you’ve been given! So congrats 
Even though my hubby and I haven’t dealt with infidelity, I always find something in your posts that help better our relationship in some way. In this particular post, it’s the last paragraph. Whenever me and my hubby get into an argument, I have a bad habit of sometimes referring to things in the past (that are not related to the current argument), so it made me think about how I sometimes bring up things in the past and how it’s completely unnecessary, really.
By the way, I moved to Indiana this week so I’ve been unable to comment but have been meaning to. Just know that I constantly keep up with your blog.
Also, I wish you and your husband (especially you) the best of luck — I know you’ll get the fairy tale you want, especially with your great attitude towards your entire situation.
Thank you so much! And Im so glad my blog is helping you in some way.
I haven’t come face-to-face with the “other child” yet. I DO fear my reaction to him. Again, like Wendy and others’ previous comments, I don’t blame the babe. He is just a babe. HE cannot help it that his parents are idiots. I have the same fears like others that I will treat him bad (subconsciously of course), b/c he will FOREVER be a constant reminder of the affair.
I do have to pose a question though, what if the roles were reversed? What if it wasn’t the husband, but us the wives who had the affair and became pregnant & our husbands chose to stay. I’ve asked my husband that same question, especially during the time I was debating on staying with this relationship. Would he like/ love the child like his own? Would he treat the babe like our own son? Could he live with the constant reminder thrown in his face of a child conceived out of an affair?
I saw an episode of “Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal” where the husband accepted and loved his wife’s son like his own. I guess is it different when the child constantly lives in the house.
Again, was just throwing a question out there. I only hope that this “strength” that others claim/state I have oh so much of, can accept then like, and possibly even love this little babe.
Oh, btw this MAY sound a little vindictive, but if I can survive, accept, like and love this child. A smile always spreads on my face thinking about sending the OW family portraits of the babe in MY arms.
I’ve asked my husband the same question and he doesnt know what the answer is. I have a feeling tho the outcome of our marriage would be differnt.
Thats hilarious! I never thought of that. I should send the OW pictures of our family trips!